I have written & erased so many different words since last Friday and yet here I sit trying again! How do you express your feelings with words when you yourself do not understand them? Easy you say... just figure out what you are feeling & why; right? Nope, not easy at all; especially when the unthinkable has happened. I may not understand the tragedy in full but I do have a better grasp on my feelings. Why have I not been able to breathe since returning from Arizona?

I am one of those people who like to help. I would like to think that I am not too pushy in my helpful ways but some may disagree. I like to fix things! Why sit around crying about what's wrong when you can fix the problem, the feelings, the situation... and move on!

I cannot fix this! Nothing I can say or do will make things better. A child is gone, never to return. In most deaths some reason can be made: at least they are no longer in pain, they died doing what they love, they lived a full life... Some sort of sense can always be made to make the living feel better. In this situation though NO sense can be made.

A four year old beautiful girl is gone; taken by the vary hands that helped to raise her. The very hands that are supposed to comfort, love, shield, protect, and care for her, instead ended her life. As a mother & champion for children I am appalled, disgusted, horrified at these actions. As an Auntie I am crushed, distraught, saddened and heartbroken. I cannot make the mother feel better, I cannot make our family feel better and I cannot make my heart feel better. I also feel so much anger! Anger at him for doing this, for taking the cowards way out instead of paying for his crime, anger at even thinking about committing such an act against such a beautiful lil girl! I think about my feelings and I realize that everyone else's feelings must be magnified a thousand-fold. i wonder if they can breathe?

Time heals all and I know that Brian & I will heal but what about my sister-in-law? I know that as unimaginable as it seems that one day she will be able to move on from the pain or at the very least she will be able to lessen the pain. She has a tough road in front of her but I believe she will make it through eventually. She is after all related to my husband :)